Expressionless...

I guess this will be my last heart felt post of the year. It's Christmas, and yes, December is almost gone. I tried to be strong right now. I am trying, and will be even if tearing is my biggest mistake and weakness. 2011 has been a turning point in my entire life. I wish i could undo many things. Typing it down and reading it as a reader will never make you people feel what i feel now. I'm leaving it all to HIM. Damage has been done, mistakes have been made, but life still goes on. 

I really don't know what else to do to just be happy. Here i am, typing away, and then deleting it. I feel so helpless that all i can do is just swallow and accept that things happen for a reason. I feel like running away. Be quiet and not to respond to anyone. I'm feeling so horrible inside to know how he feels about us... I never expected things would be this way. But since it is for the best, i guess, i will painfully just go away for awhile. You'll never know how this sensitive girl is coping with words like that. Distance. It's all happening again. I can see it. He said that to me too, but eventually, the outcome has always been the same. No emoticons can show what the hell i'm feeling. Anger is out of the story. I don't feel that at all. I just feel brokened. Saddened by the whole fact that this would be a part of our story. When signs of getting bored shows. I don't know. And i shouldn't even talk about it, but why do i have to face this? It's near 5am, and how am i supposed to sleep. Sometimes, i just ask myself, do i deserve to be treated like this? I've always been the queen of my father's life when i was young, but now, i am nobody's queen. No one. :'(

It says alot, when a guy wants distance. And it's okay, it's just a sign that perhaps he's holding on to something he isn't sure of. Me.

 Reminds me of this, which i came across on twitter and kept it in my phone for soo long.

"She is a nice girl. Cares for you deeply. You know she will be loyal and devoted. Basically perfect for you. But somehow you don't feel as strong for the person like how she is to you. And you know, if you let go, it's not easy to find someone like that again. Are you in this situation?"

Why am i reading his text over and over again. I'm going down that road again..

Refrain from getting hurt? No one can run away from that when you love too much, it's a stupid mistake to entirely give a whole you to someone. That's one thing i wish to undo. Cause it hurts deep in me right now. I was numb before, but now, it's paining me that tears is just salt and water nothing more right now. 

Told myself from the start, why did i go back on my own words and promises? ;'(

I ruined myself. I did.