Hiba

I thought of blogging in malay, but my expressions seems so formal in malay. It'll be so sajak-ish that it doesn't sound from my heart. Honestly, I'm feeling at my worst for the moment. I don't know why I'm very affected with my brother's result. I'm really sad and hampa and sedih and pilu and hiba and just everything. :"(
I really wanted him to go polytechnic upon receiving his O Levels. I wish he made it. I honestly feel that i've let this family down. I really regret not helping my brother when he needed me to guide him. I was so busy with my own school that i didn't have time to tutor him. I thought he would be fine on his own. I really wished that one of my siblings will just do well in life, especially my 17 year old brother. He's the only hope for this family cause i know my second brother is not gifted in the academics area. He is special in his own way, and i'm just happy he is doing well in Northlight School. And now, seeing my little sister so laid back and heck care in her studies just makes me more worried. What if she ends up not getting a place in Secondary School too because of her weak maths? I want to teach, but i myself have limited time to tutor them. I hate the fact that i'm going to be a teacher and yet i can't even teach my own siblings and make them cleverer. I really fail as a sister. And as a daughter, i'm trying so hard to help this family. But it just never seems enough.
I'm not myself these days and always caught up in a daze. Everything irritates me and makes me upset. The slightest joke made by boyfriend also can make this heart ache. Sometimes i just need someone to be nice to me and always so soft towards me. Someone who just shows that they care alot like i do. I've been teased alot. I've been mocked alot. I just want someone, anyone, to be nice to me, especially at times like this where i wish i could rewind time and undo many things that i failed to do. I'm just this fragile girl that needs so much more than just unintentional words that hurt minimally.