Tried so hard to hold back tears. Long rides really makes things worst. I don’t even know why I took 403 and sat for a whole loop journey home. I guess I needed the time alone to reflect. My phone lost its signal, and I’m left to read those last few texts without being able to reply and how those one line of such a tone could make me feel so downturned. I knew i said the wrong thing. And if i could, i would give everything to him. Yes, everything. In fact i gave my all. But it's getting back to me, if it is worth it all these things i do for him. I'm afraid, one day, my existence seems to just be a need, not for love. I never hoped to meet him today. In fact I try so hard to forget the negative imprint I have awhile back. I chose to accept and forget, but now, I feel this cold distance. A silent cold barrier created slowly. I didn’t mind when he had plans today, cause my instinct told me we won’t meet anyway. But must he reply me in such a tone that makes me blame myself for the abrupt change of behaviour. The tone like as if I’m just another stranger just hurts me so bad. I never wanted to hurt him by my reluctance. It’s me wanting not to hurt this and that, but I gotta take the hurt in return. I guess it is fair for me, cause my only wish for him is to be happy. Even if it means I’m silently crying soothing my own insecurities. Used to prioritise me, but it seems to fade. I don’t want to meet him if he doesn’t feel the need for me to be around him. I’m happy as long as he is. I have to accept that at times, I’m just a stranger in this silent coldness. If ever one day, it occurred that he’s struggling to return what seems to fade to me, I’ll be willing to release him from the feeling of being obliged to love someone like me.
Or maybe it’s all just me.
I can’t even wait to go and change and freshen up, cause I just feel horrible inside and I just need to pen it down somewhere.
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