Why do people enter lives and leave as and when they wish...

I'm here again. Still here. My fingers are itching to update this place of mine. So, it's the weekends, and as usual, i seem to have no plans or life. Except a life as a student. If that is anywhere near interesting. Anyway, again, i'm drowning in projects, and it's only JANUARY. Mind that! Gosh, it feels like i've had school for a couple of months already. But however, school has been somewhat easy, except for the direct punch of assignments and projects on the very first day of school. I don't want to rant about school. I. Don't. Want.


I'm angry at myself for many things. Something's bothering me. And i really don't know why i should be bothered about it. Sometimes, life is just unfair. It puts you rotating in a wheel. A huge wheel or a small wheel. One that just never stops spinning with you just holding to a spot for your dear life. At times, it spins and brings you to the climax of it. Where you see all the wonderful walks of life, and just HAPPY. But at times, you're just down there, getting drenched in the dirty puddles, just waiting for someone to pick you up and say, 'Life is full of challenges, but you gotta be strong and climb back up there.' I'm gonna be Twenty this year. Yes. T.W.E.N.T.Y. The thought of it knocks me right in my brain. My fantasy of getting engaged at 21 seems to be just 2 years from now. I'm so minah kahwin-kahwin, and it's this aspect of life that you can never predict or foresee. And hence, it only stays as plans, with no guarantee...


I don't know why but i can never stop myself from responding to him. I wished i had strength to be oblivious and push him as far as possible. But somehow, he is my greatest weakness. I get weak to my knees when something's about him just pops up, what more himself popping up again. I don't want him to be the reason again for my dilemma. He may be the man of my dreams. The one i see to propose me like in my fantasy dream of getting engaged at 21, but he just isn't the one that would make me forget someone like him. It's complicated but, i believe, if it wasn't for my boyfriend, the only guy who managed to snatched me out of my buried sorrow, i'd have lived in a lifeless doll's body till this day. Always in a daze. 


I'm just afraid, one day...
I don't know why that incident keeps playing in my head. I don't want him to feel that his stay aren't worth it. And goes finding another one. Like as if i'm not his guaranteed girlfriend. Or maybe, i'm just thinking too much. Reasons and reasons. Always afraid, insecure.
But no doubts, i love him like crazy that i think i am nuts.